I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
