Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
