32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
