if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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