She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
