I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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