this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
