I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize