yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
