wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
