nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
