just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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