This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
