Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
