somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
