I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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