I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
