I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize