He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
