Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize