he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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