she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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