you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
