just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
