Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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