i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
