guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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