My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
