"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize