why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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