You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
