i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize