well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
