Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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