one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
