no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
