You smell like stripper and shame
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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