Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You ate ashes out of my bong
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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