She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize