see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Randomize
