Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
