is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
