She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i came on her dog
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
