Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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