fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
what day is it and did you see me today?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
