I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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