Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize