I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
