What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize