Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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