Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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