Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
