Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
