Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
