why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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