Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
