I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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