There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
