Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
