he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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