I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
