Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
