my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
