I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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