We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
