there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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