just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
