You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
