I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
