Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize